The courage to be pregnant and a therapist: Another spark of life.

I first heard of the term “rainbow baby” after our loss in March of 2015.

As the condolences and advice poured-in and over us, this concept of a “rainbow baby” stuck silently to my grieving heart. [here is a post from a mom with her story and definition: 4+1 ]

Some, identify babies born after the loss of a child as: Rainbow Babies. The concept being that when a rainbow appears it doesn’t mean there wasn’t a storm, nor that there wont be clouds in the future. It is a reminder that something hopeful has come in spite of it.

In the fall of 2015, it happened, another life decided to blossom within me. This time there was an unprecedented amount of anxiety that I just couldn't shake. Every sensation, every ache, dreadful. The void left by the loss became filled with concern.

The weeks ticked-by uneventfully, hitting all the markers and with good progress. The ache, the trepidation ever present, allowing just a breath of relief after each appointment.

I didn't tell many people, I was illogically afraid that making it public would somehow jinx things. So, I waited.

...and I waited...

When I finally informed a select core I framed it around the previous loss and anxiety over a repeat.

Fall 2015: Another spark

And I kept waiting. Wore looser clothing and scarves, lots of scarves...

As the weeks passed the fear transformed into something else. I primarily worked with individuals with mood disorders and those with varying degrees of psychosis -- revealing my pregnancy would surpass a level of self-disclosure that I was uncomfortable with. Whether I did, or didn't tell, the therapeutic relationships with clients, peers, and the work environment itself, would soon begin to change.

March 2016: Conflicting emotions

As the weeks turned into months, I allowed myself to be distracted by the #365Creativedeeds and they kept me creating, even when I did not want to. When that project wrapped up at the end of 2015, I decided to take a break. I wanted to find my way back to more personal expressions, the sort I had not tackled in ages.

During these times of psychological and physical change, I wanted and needed a more "self-centered" creative practice.

Next post: The First Trimester - Changes in Imagery and Practices

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Symbolic Projections

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